dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
