Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
