he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
