my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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