barbara walters just said penis...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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