Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
