3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
