how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
