yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
