Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
