Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
