I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
