I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
