I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
