I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
