Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
