before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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