some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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