I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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