I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
