Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
