you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
