I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize