Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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