Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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