I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
