The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
