i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
