maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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