I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
