The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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