R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You need Xanax blowdarts
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Randomize
