I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What a dumb baby whore.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
