now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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