someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
