I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
