Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
