I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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