Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
