She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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