Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize