Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
