I accidentally had phone sex last night
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
