It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
