Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Can you bring me the toilet please
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
