i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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