Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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