i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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