MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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