Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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