Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
