So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize