I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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