What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got her a Nickelback box set.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
