I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
