Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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